The only thing which keeps me going now is art and the idea of going to the USA for a year... I hope I will be able to... The only time when I feel alive is when I draw and if I couldn't right now there would be nothing left for me anymore... I could say it's all over and my mind should take a rest with nothing on my mind going on just be me and finally be happy because there is no problem left I could deal with right now and everything seems so unimportant in this moment... beside of ART... I can feel the rush and caffeine in my brain making me do something actually... I can feel my own will rising making me breathe... oh how nice can the life be... I really feel the motivation right now I feel like a part of my soul has died, may it rest in peace... They all are as well as dead to me already and I just feel how sorry I am, I believe, for myself... but in the end it won't even matter I know... I got victorious out of it, in the end... Because I am alive and I feel more alive then ever, or is it just the caffeine? Can't be... This is something pretty much different from the usual rush... This one is special... or do I wanna make it special? Who knows... Well I know really... but I am trying to hide it to keep it away to protect myself...

PS It doesn't matter if you do not understand... Just my thoughts because I needed to change my journal because of the situation changed completely, now I don't know if to the better or worse but let's say better sweethearts... Have a nice day full of new ideas, full of motivation!